The Realist
I am probably best described as your no non-sense, no-bullshit, no frou-frou Bourbon reviewer. I started this site because I was sick and tired of all of the Bourbon sites out there talking about a “hint of this and a hint of that on the nose,” all of the different flavors their “palate” can detect and how they score different bourbons based on its flavor wheel. I’ve bought Bourbons these reviewers have “loved” only to find a mouthful of turpentine, and almost passed on others they “hated” that ended up being true gems. Truth is, I don’t give a shit what you or anyone else thinks about Bourbon, I know what I like and I know what I don’t. So why, then, do you ask, am I even bothering to share my opinions on this blog at all then? Because you’ll still read it and its all about free Bourbon, dumbass.
Favorite quote: “Clear liquor is essentially pricey lighter fluid.” -Me
The Aristocrat (aka Snooty MFer)
I’m the guy Mr. Realist hates. He can’t help it. He just wants to be more like me. I have a distinctive palate that can differentiate the crème from the swill. He couldn’t tell the difference between Old Crow and Old Pappy if his life depended on it. Do I own a Bourbon tasting notebook? Of course I do. Don’t you? Do I know all 16 elements of the whiskey tasting wheel? Yes, though I’ve personally recognize at least 6 more elements I consider uniquely my own. I own my very own Bourbon nosing kit that contains no less than 42 different elements essential to recognizing the complex aromas of any good, check that, great Bourbon. I’ll help you discover your taste buds and drink Bourbon for its complex flavors and aromas, unlike your college days where you guzzled it for cheap highs and cheap women. I wouldn’t dream of buying a bottle off of the bottom shelf unless it was a Christmas gift for one of these other losers. You shouldn’t either. Stick to my reviews and I’ll steer you right.
Favorite quote: “I drink to make other people more interesting.” -Ernest Hemingway
The Alchemist
I was a 22-year old chemistry major delivering cheap pizza and drinking cheap Bourbon. Not exactly how I wanted my life to go. One night at a buddy’s house, we dipped into his father’s infinity bottle. A Bunsen Burner went off in my head. Why spend loads of money on “good” bourbon when I could just “make it. Back off BATF, I’m not talking distilling my own. I’m talking elevating what is available in my price range. Blending, infusing, smoking, proof-boosting or just barreling my own. These days I scoff at single barrels. I make single bottle releases that will blow your mind! Science! My bar is now stocked with bottles my friends think I spent hundreds, even thousands for. Ignorant fools. I have never met a bottle I couldn’t fix, so don’t ever, ever pour a bottle of Bourbon down the drain. Sacrilege! Stick around and I may just share a few of my my secrets- your bar will never be the same.
Favorite quote: “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” -Ernest Hemingway
The Cheap Bastard
So you just paid $900 for a bottle of 10 year old Van Winkle and you can’t wait to show off the bottle, that you will never open, to all of your friends, neighbors, social media “followers” and anyone who will hear the story. I just spent $90 on 5 bottles of underappreciated Bourbon and am sloppy drunk. So you’re broke and sober and I’m schnockered with my friends and happy as hell, with leftovers on the counter. ‘Nuff said. Forget these other guys. I’ll close your wallets and open your eyes up to a world of great bourbons, all of which are on the bottom two shelves. You don’t know what you have been missing. Now you can use all of the money you would have spent on priceless bottles and the display cases to hold them on your divorce lawyer and your next wife, the one who likes Bourbon.
Favorite quote: ““Cheapskates…are too self-confident – and frankly too smart – to spend money on things they don’t need and probably don’t even want, simply to impress others or just because they can.” -Jeff Yeager
The Traveler
F**k you, Big Blue! Got your attention, didn’t I? Kentucky has become the best and worst thing to ever happen to Bourbon. Starting about seven years ago, the Bourbon world changed. I can remember going to my favorite corner store in the Bluegrass State and buying just about whatever I pleased, whenever I pleased. Blantons for $52.99? Yep, sitting on the top shelf. Old Weller Antique and Weller 12 year at less than $40 a bottle. Yep, on the next to bottom shelf!!! Now, thanks to selfish store owners and flippers (“taters”), those great days of old are gone. You either have to stand in line in the cold for today’s disappointing releases of good ol’ day favorites, or join some group on the internet and pay ridiculous secondary market prices. No more, I say. There is way too much Bourbon out there in this country to pay $700 for a bottle of Weller Single Barrel or $80 for a bottle of Henry McKenna 10 yr. So, I’m out travelling the country to find you better Bourbons in every corner of this country, on the shelf right now and at way better prices. You’re welcome.
Favorite Quote: “Not all who wander are truly lost. Most are just drunk.” -Me
Bubba
Bubba is still figuring out how to use a typewriter. He’ll get back to you.
The Barrelhead Chronicles 